Sheldon Adelson: Have I Got a Deal for You

Dear Mr. Sheldon Adelson,

I hear you’re financing a new push to get disillusioned Jewish Democrats who voted for President Obama in the last election to vote Republican this November. Funny you should mention it, but I’m a Jewish Democrat who voted for Obama, and I’m disillusioned with a lot that he has and hasn’t done. For instance, what happened to the so-called public option to provide low-cost health insurance for everyone? Why all the waffling before supporting gay marriage? And why hasn’t he closed Guantanamo? That’s not the kind of change I voted for last election. Like you, I’ve had enough.

So today, for the bargain price of one million dollars, I want to offer you my soon-to-be-Republican vote. Such a deal! Especially compared to the ten million bucks you pished away on those ads for that has-been Gingrich. Not only do I cost a tenth as much, my vote is guaranteed AND the money stays in the mishpucha, not that that matters to a person of your evident worldliness.

Though I don’t live in one of your preferred swing states like Florida, Ohio, or Pennsylvania, I’ll be happy (for an additional $500,000 payable in poker chips) to pack up the other Jewmocrats in my family and move to, say, Boca Raton, where other Jews are known to congregate. God willing, we’ll be able to finally buy a house, as I hear half the mortgages in Florida are underwater thanks to the housing crisis which as we all know was caused by… oh never mind. We can always rent.

Once I’m settled in my Southern Republican perch (and for only an extra $250,000 in cocktail vouchers) I can begin to assist you in your primary mission, that of finding other disillusioned Jewish Democrats to spread the good word about Israel, and all the positive things we forgot to congratulate Israel for since Obama took office. Where is all the customary lauding for our staunchest ally? All you hear these days is kvetching about the economy. I don’t want to sound like a racist but you and I both know Obama should have fixed it by now. God built the entire world in less than a week!

Which reminds me (and this would only cost you another 100 grand-marked-down-to-90, payable in whatever that money in Macao is called) I was thinking that we could take all those yutzes from Occupy Wall Street and fly them somewhere in the West Bank. They think they’re such big machers– let them Occupy Judea and Samaria for 45 years or so! Try that on for size, Democrats for Obama!

Like you, I’m tired of Israel getting a bum rap. It’s the only democracy in the Middle East. Well there’s Egypt now, but they didn’t really vote vote. And Tunisia, but I mean, come on, Tunisia?? Next they’ll be telling us that Iraq is a democracy. Well, the Democrats for Obama will.

As a wealthy Jewpublican, a status which your kind funds will greatly help to ensure, I pledge to uphold the principals of Republicanism that you and our candidate Mitt Romney supremely exemplify, such as free enterprise, free speech for corporations, and of course, free access to pretty much any kind of automatic weapon (though for an additional ten grand, payable in ammunition, I could help liberate even more weapons from the grasp of Obamacareandgunsupply).

This is a free country, Mr. Adelson. Know that you are exercising your God and Supreme Court-given right to spend as much of your hard-earned, freely-wagered, offshore-living money as you want on this or any other campaign. Thanks especially, for your contributions to me. I pledge to use them to rid us of the scourge of Demobamacrats because we can no longer afford to gamble on our future. Well not everything, anyway. How about chetzi chetzi, half on Romney, half on eight the hard way?